The Patron Fence Incident
It started like a typical night-in with Smashley and Lynzard.
Lynzard had just moved into Smashley’s, and to celebrate, the three of us decided to dip into Smashley’s $55 bottle of Patron Silver Tequila.
What turned into a few beers and shots, turned eventually into A LOT of beers and shots. Most of the bottle was destroyed, as was my sobriety.
Although it was only October, we were having our first cosmetic coating of Ohio snow.
I think in our drunken state of minds, Smashley and Lynzard were trying to convince me to try to break into our one friend’s apartment in the same complex.
But I decided I was going to do one better. I was going to do it NAKED.
With a burst of energy, I completely stripped out of my clothes, boxers and all, and sprinted out in the middle of the night onto the snowy patio. Lynzard and Smashley are in a coma of laughter and disbelief.
So naked, I tried to climb a tall wooden fence to get to our friend’s apartment. Did you know how hard it is to climb a fence when you are cold and drunk and completely naked?
Instead of climbing the fence, frustrated, I just started ripping planks of the fence. I got a nice portion of the fence destroyed before I started doing naked snow angels.
Then I stood up. I realized two things.
- I was fucking freezing. My teeth were chattering and my skin was turning blue. And more importantly…,
- Even if I made it over the fence, I have not once been over this friend’s apartment anyway and in actually had no idea which one it was. I was playing 1:250 odds.
Of course, once I warmed up, I tried to go out one more time. Again freezing and lost came back in. Passed out.
I awoke around 6 AM, alone and confused in the downstairs recliner. Clothed. I was fine to drive home. I tried to go to the bathroom first but had trouble whipping my dick out. Whatever, I finally got it. Drove home. Went to bed, passed out.
I awoke around noon, alone and confused in my bed. I noticed two things.
- My boxers were on backwards. This explains why I had problems before trying to find the peehole of my boxers.
- I had a giant, gaping cut on my shoulder blade. I have no idea how I got it but it has since healed nicely. I will post a picture soon, once I figure out how to get it off my camera phone.
A few days later I came back to survey the damage I had done.
