Lynzard’s Bad Night
A bunch of my friends were meeting up at a bar in Brunswick. I told them I’d be up after I got off work.
By the time I got there, most were pretty wasted. I wasn’t really in the mood to drink or spend money, so I just socialized. Meanwhile, Lynzard was particularly ‘gone’, falling out of her bar stool, ready to pass out. Her boyfriend Matt took her home, and basically had to carry her out of the bar.
However, after about fifteen minutes, the bartender realizes that Lynzard left her purse at the bar. I tell the bartender that I’ll just drop it off after I leave, since she is a pretty good friend of mine, and because it’s on my way home anyway. I’m not in a hurry to leave though, because I figure Lynzard is probably passed out in her bed by now. I stayed at the bar for about an hour and left, sober.
And now I’m dropping off a purse. What a boring night…
OR SO I THOUGHT!
I get to Lynzard’s apartment (she recently moved in with Smashley). I pull into the apartment complex parking lot…that’s when I see Matt in the parking lot…weird, maybe he is just leaving. I park.
“Hey, Matt, Lynzard left her purse at the bar and I…”, but he’s not really paying attention. What’s he looking at?
It’s Lynzard. Outside in the cold, completely shit-faced, banging down wrong apartment doors.
“What’s going on? You guys left like an hour ago?” I said.
“Dude, it took me almost an hour to get her out of the car, and she won’t listen to me at all,” he replies.
So we both try to convince her she is at the wrong apartment. But every time we talk to her or coax her in the right direction, she starts screaming. Literally screaming. Me and Matt back off every time she does this. I mean, it looks like two creepy guys are trying to attack his poor girl in the parking lot. We are very aware of this and don’t want to look like rapists.
We finally get Lynzard going in the right direction, until she takes a second step, misses, WHAM!!!!! and falls, as hard as she can, skull first, into the cold cement. You can hear the slamming echo through the parking lot. Me and Matt just look at each other, freaking out…is she ok? Does she have a concussion? She is sobbing on the ground.
We decide she is going to scream no matter what, and we don’t want her to get hurt. We are just going to force her to go to the right apartment. Once she gets up and stops crying, we each grab a shoulder and force her to the right place…but she breaks free at the last minute and runs off.
That’s when the police show up.
This is one of the few times in life where I was relieved to see a cop approach me. I’m sober and I just want Lynzard to get to her apartment. I give the cop a thirty second version of the story.
He convinces her fairly easily to get into the police car. He tells Matt and I to wait a few minutes. I’m still holding this ridiculous purse the whole time around my shoulder. We wait.
The cop comes back. Asks if she’s on heavy drugs or marijuana because she cannot tell him her name or address. The cop says that he is going to issue her a citation for ‘disturbing the peace’, which is just a large fine, instead of the public intoxication she probably should have got (which means fine + jail). The whole time he is explaining this to us, Lynzard is screaming in the back of the police car. You can hear her muffled screams even though all the police car doors are closed.
The cop tells me to go wake up her roommate (Smashley). I go into the apartment and I find Smashley very much asleep. This is really awkward, how do I wake her up exactly?
“Ashley, Ashley!” I whisper, a bit louder each time. Eventually it gets her up. “Bumba?”
“Um, hi. Lynzard had a bit too much to drink and we need you to talk to the police downstairs…”
She thinks I’m messing with her, until she hears the foreigner cop voice “ASHLEY WE NEED YOU DOWN HERE, I NEED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT YOUR ROOMMATE”.
Smashley springs out of bed and goes downstairs. The cop explains that if Lynzard gives us a hard time, call the police again and they will keep her in the drunk tank overnight. He leaves.
We still can’t get Lynzard into bed easily. Smashley tries to clean the blood oozing off the back Lyznard’s hair from her falls, but she is refusing. We get her in be eventually. Smashley and I stay up all night to make sure Lynzard stays in bed.
Lessons learned: She was so lucky. She could have been hurt seriously and then this story wouldn’t be funny at all. And The ticket she had to pay was $185.00
The next day, Lynzard calls me. “OH MY GOD WHY DOES MY HEAD HURT SO MUCH???
