Oregon Trail? More Like BOREGON TRAIL!!!!!1
One of the most classic computer games of our time, Oregon Trail. Is it as fun as I’d remembered? No.
Right away, you get the choice between a Banker from Illnois, a Carpenter from Ohio, or a Farmer from Indiana. Since I live in Ohio, it would be lying if I said otherwise. Although you start off with less money, who cares? Now, here comes the most important decision of the game. Who do you bring? I tried to think of the greatest heroes in our world, in order of their importance in society.
I thought about the order of their importance, I figured Dr. House plays God, which is pretty damn close to being God, and therefore beats out Jesus. And rap stars would not have any inspiration without Jesus. Finally, Spyware tags along because you can’t get rid of it no matter what. Plus, since the game only comes in 256 color mode and only allows up to nine characters max on a name, I couldn’t fit ‘Jessica Alba’. And it should come as no shock to you that I was number one.
Let’s start this pixelated death march. As your pure white wagon putters along the ever changing scenery, things typically start to go wrong with your group. Diseases, excuses, fires, thieves, lost cattle…
The game at one point, became weird, when it started to state the obvious.
He walks on a cane for a reason. Don’t worry though, I filled out a prescription illegally using Dr. Wilson’s script pad, and we have more Valium and Vicodin than a Beverly Hills pharmacy. Not sure at this point how many people are up-to-date with House, but in last week’s episode, a skeezy eighteen year old launched projectile vomit all over a child’s birthday cake. The splash radius of the vomit misted all over bratty children, teeming with West Nile virus and airborne HIV. In the previews next week, House is going to super-punch Dr. Chase in his pretty British face. But I’m getting off (topic).
Everyone playing this game knows that the river crossing will make you or break you. You watch on with wicked intensity, waiting for that instant tip and angry computer sound effect. There’s really only two routes to go on most rivers; float it, or pull it. If you float it, the wagon will tip over, causing death and despair; if you pull it, the wagon will sink, causing death and despair. I usually float it (caulk it), but I decide to give the ole pull (ford) a try.
You fuckin fake Jesus, you’re supposed to walk on water, not die in it. How many biblical characters die in 3.5 feet of water?
Next on House: Dr. Foreman (the black one) runs an MRI on the Spyware and concludes it must be inoperable brain tumors; Dr. Cameron (the female) run a pap smear on the Spyware and concludes it must be Hodgkin’s Disease; Dr. Chase (the Brit) biopsies the Spyware’s gall bladder and concludes it the patient is faking. Dr. House storms into the room with the dry erase board, tells everyone their wrong, and rips up their paychecks. Dr. house then looks at the patient, asks it humiliating questions about Free I-Pods and allegedly single girls waiting to chat, then correctly diagnoses it with typhoid. Ironically, the Spyware caught a Virus. Computer irony. This is why I had to bring House around; not only does he not drown, he also is here to tell us our ailments and cure them with 19th century medicine.
Dr. Foreman says bear bite, Dr. Cameron says self-inflicted gunshot wound, Dr. Chase says inoperable penis tumor. House asks himself humiliating questions about himself, and concludes the correct answer, a snake bite.
Time lapse to one of many insignificant forts along with way. The scene looks like it was drawn by a seven year old with crayons and autism. And, finally, G-Unit stops hustling Indians and Pilgrims and starts using those guns for something worthwhile: Killing Fawns.
However, the fun of shooting the innocent doesn’t last once House realizes the members of G-Unit…
Or, in today’s modern world, better known as syphilis. Then, more hardships when Spyware gets injured once again.
Only this time, his entire arm breaks from carpal tunnel from writing way too kiddie scripts and flash advertisements.
Now repeat this cycle of injuries, inconveniences, and delays for about ten minutes. At one point, I hired an Indian Guide to help float my wagon across the river. In exchange, the simple Native American wants two pairs of clothes. I happily hand over G-Unit’s measle-infested Roca Wear jacket and Timbs, and keep the American spirit of mistrust and genocide alive.
You know you’re near the end when you hit the choice between floating down the Columbia River and taking the Toll Road. If you don’t float down the river, you are a fool. The toll road costs money, is more dangerous, and days longer. Float down the river, and you’re in Oregon by sunset. So long as you don’t hit a rock. Well, you’d have to have the reflexes of a mentally-challenged turtle to hit a rock. It’s slow. And aim up your wagon for it to hit the wagon dirt path; if you miss it, you suck and die.
Wow, that was extremely undifficult. Why do people have so much trouble with this game? Is it that hard? Although to be fair, in the 8th grade, this game was ten times as hard.
Want to download the old skoolness? Click here to download the emulator; once that is installed, download the game, follow the instructions, and enjoy pointless minutes of reflective nostalgia.
D/L the APPLE EMULATOR
D/L the OREGON TRAILER GAME
