January 2009
2 posts
I am the Worst Thief Ever
I’ve developed a terrible habit of kleptomania when I’m in that perfect state of drunk. I will feel and overwhelming urge to steal something, especially if I have been ‘wronged’. It can be something small and useless (like packs of Ra-men noodles and razor blades from Frat parties), or something large and typically also useless (like construction barrels).
I went to a...
Interesting Stripper Stories #3
Strippers are generally a big waste of money and time. I do not like spending money to get a hard on. Beer is overpriced and I refused to go if I have pay a cover charge. Yet I am still enthralled with learning about ‘stripper stories’.
You have about three minutes to get a good conversational story in before they realize you have no interest in spending money on them.
One...
December 2008
1 post
The Streak Is Over...
Over Christmas vacation in the third grade, I caught a terrible stomach flu. I was so traumatized by the event, that I have not thrown up since. My body literally refuses to throw up. Even when I drink to excess, I just blackout. This was a fifteen year streak of not throwing up! But now its all over…
Let’s rewind.
7:30pm: It’s a normal night out with Smashley. We went...
November 2008
3 posts
The Vegas Escort
Las Vegas was my post-fake-college-graduation trip with fellow classmates Kelly K and Ben. While I do have many stories from Vegas, some will only be funny to us. We stayed up so late the first night that when we drunk dialed people, they were already awake and starting their day. And we almost got thrown out of a magic show because of our post-marijuana laughter fits. And because I couldn’t...
Lynzard's Bad Night
A bunch of my friends were meeting up at a bar in Brunswick. I told them I’d be up after I got off work.
By the time I got there, most were pretty wasted. I wasn’t really in the mood to drink or spend money, so I just socialized. Meanwhile, Lynzard was particularly ‘gone’, falling out of her bar stool, ready to pass out. Her boyfriend Matt took her home, and basically...
October 2008
2 posts
The Patron Fence Incident
It started like a typical night-in with Smashley and Lynzard.
Lynzard had just moved into Smashley’s, and to celebrate, the three of us decided to dip into Smashley’s $55 bottle of Patron Silver Tequila.
What turned into a few beers and shots, turned eventually into A LOT of beers and shots. Most of the bottle was destroyed, as was my sobriety.
Although it was only October, we were...
September 2008
3 posts
Shot-toberfest
It was annual Berea Octoberfest. You know, lots of old school German ladenhosen, dancing, and beer. Lots of beer. We came as a big group; with Lynzard, Smashley, Dustin, Jackie, Lindsay, Michelle, Jess K, Vince, and Toplek. And the more you drink, like a horror movie, the more people from your original group you lose.
Over the next few hours of heavy consummation of almost-free alcohol, I...
So I finally get kicked out of a bar
One week ago I quit working at the Winking Lizard Tavern. Employees are not allowed to come up and drink ever. But since I am not an employee anymore, I am exempt.
Four days ago, Lindsay either quit or got fired because of an incident at work. Something showing up drunk to a company-sponsored alcohol awareness training class. But since she is not an employee anymore, she is exempt.
We decide...
July 2008
1 post
Smashley's Patron Punch
Smashley and Nicole O are downtown partying the the Cleveland Flats. They are leaving one of the bars and are about to get into Nicole O’s car, when suddenly TING! Someone in the car parked next to them opened their car door TOO hard and TOO wide.
They confront the people of the car. It’s a group of four drunk girls. They also notice they also left a nice big scratch on Nicole...
May 2008
2 posts
The Famous Date Rape Story
This might be the most famous drinking story I’ve ever had.
It is the night before Memorial Day and everyone from work went out to a bar in Brunswick (Ohio).
My work friends have long since caught on to my ways…I try to get them to buy me drinks when they are drunk. Since no one really bought me drinks anymore, and I didn’t want to waste my money on alcohol, I decided it would...
April 2008
1 post
The Emergency Car Kit
We were all in various stages of drunkeness and the bar was closing. We were all going to meet up at Smashley’s down the street for the after-hours drinking.
There were six of us; myself, Smashley, Lynzard, Nicole O, Donne, and Nicole Marie Lenz. We got back…well most of us. However, Lynzard and Nicole O were nowhere to be found. We waited and waited. And waited. They were...
October 2007
1 post
Xtreme Towing
Oh, I did have to change a few names in the story.
Dan Geiss and I were supposed to go to visit his sister’s boyfriend (now fiancee) “Frank”. At the time, he lived in a kind of shitty neighborhood, the Cleveland suburb of Garfield Heights. In fact, his neighbor’s house was recently raided and seized by the police. But there is a nice streak of bars to visit, so we...
September 2007
1 post
Oregon Trail? More Like BOREGON TRAIL!!!!!1
One of the most classic computer games of our time, Oregon Trail. Is it as fun as I’d remembered? No.
Right away, you get the choice between a Banker from Illnois, a Carpenter from Ohio, or a Farmer from Indiana. Since I live in Ohio, it would be lying if I said otherwise. Although you start off with less money, who cares? Now, here comes the most important decision of the game. Who do...
October 2006
1 post
Ritalin Junkies is nominated for a High Times... →